A Life After Kikyo
by Maren1224
Summary: With her sister dead, Kaede didn't know how she was going to keep living.  Yet somehow she did, day after day for fifty years.
1. Chapter 1

Fifty years. It's been fifty years since I last spoke to my sister. And yet, despite all the time that has passed, I can still see her face. I can still hear her voice. I loved Kikyo will all my heart, and I still do to this day. After all these years, however, I've finally been able to accept that she is gone. My sister is dead.

Which is perhaps why it's so strange to see her standing before me.

Kikyo? My sister Kikyo? She can't be alive. This is a trick, an illusion. That horrible, fiendish woman Urasue must be trying to trick me. First she desecrates my sister's grave and then she creates this terrible, heartbreaking illusion of a human being? Yes, heartbreaking. For my heart is breaking as I stand there, looking my sister. For as much as I know that she is dead, I yearn for her to be alive. I yearn for this lump of clay to actually be my sister, come back from the dead.

Perhaps these fifty years have been a dream. If so, it's been a terribly long one. All that endless time, dragging on and on. For fifty years, as I've lived and trained and made friends and, yes, even fallen in love, all this time I've been so horribly lonely. Forever alone, after my sister died.

My heart is breaking as I stand there, staring at my sister's face, transfixed by a body made of clay and ashes.

I am sixty years old, watching my sister being resurrected.

I am nine years old, learning to shoot an arrow from my sister.

I am ten years old, watching my sister die.

I am sixteen years old, training, and training, and training.

I am thirty years old, chasing demons from my village.

I am fifty years old, chasing demons from my village.

I am crying, because my sister is dead.

I am crying, because my sister is alive.

Who is she? This strange woman, who looks so much like Kikyo? Is she my sister? Is she Kikyo?

Who am I? That question is simple enough to answer. I am Kaede. Even after all these years, all this endless time, I am Kaede.

As I stand there, with all these thoughts swirling around in my head, there is only one thing that I wish.

Please, let this be Kikyo.

Please let my sister be alive.

Please don't let these last fifty years have been for nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

I can almost feel Kikyo standing beside me as I aim the arrow straight for the oak tree. I let it fly and it smacks into the tree, a little to the right of the circle that I drew. I sigh. Kikyo would have hit the mark, for sure.

It's been five years since my sister died, and I still think about her every day. Sometimes it feels like she's standing right beside me, watching over my every decision. Other times, she seems very far away. I know it's not her fault that she died, but those times when I'm all alone and desperate for guidance, I hate her for leaving me. But Kikyo would never hate. She was beautiful, and wonderful, and perfect.

I'm none of those things. At fifteen years old, I'm short, and not very pretty, and not very good with magic at all. Not that I have time to worry about my appearance. As part of my training I spend my time traveling around the countryside, slaying demons. A life spent wandering around is difficult, and tiring, and at the end of the day not worth the aching feet, but I'm determined to become a priestess like my sister. I'm not very good with magic: my sacred arrows are weak and my arrows of sealing are ineffectual, but I'm determined to get better. I must.

I sigh again. As nice as it is to have a goal, the actual doing takes so much effort. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather just settle down and have a normal life. Marry a guy, have some kids. But whenever I'm tempted to give up my training, Kikyo comes into my mind. She never gave up, so I can't either.

But that doesn't mean that I can't take a break. I pull my arrow out of the tree and turn to walk away. It's a beautiful day; why waste it? I can go for a swim in the river, or pick some flowers. Bows and arrows will exist tomorrow, but today the sun is shining. I'm near a village, so I might even get some decent lodgings tonight. If I'm desperate, I can even just find a rich man's house and offer to "exorcise" it for him. It's dishonest, I know, but can you blame me? Sleeping on the ground gets a little tiresome after about the third year of doing it.

I've been going on these "training missions" since I was twelve. After Kikyo died, I was too afraid to travel around by myself. I couldn't imagine being out in the world without her by my side. So for a year and half I hid in my village, nursing my wounded eye. With only my clumsy medicine, however, it never healed properly. I have an eyepatch now, but for the longest time I was running around with a huge bandage on my head. It helped to cover up my face as well, because I didn't want anyone seeing me, not now that my sister was dead. I got it into my head that since I only had one eye, people wouldn't think that I was good for anything. So I hid, huddled in the corner of the house where Kikyo used to live with me. I went outside as little as possible, and avoided the other villagers. That was my life until Master Hiroshi came to our village. He's a priest who made his living traveling around and slaying demons. He used to teach at a school for priests and priestesses, but he left after an incident which he will never tell me the details of.

Master Hiroshi is the most wonderful person I've ever met, besides my sister. I didn't think that when I met him though. When he first came to our village, I wouldn't go outside to meet him. Once he saw me, however, he became determined to help me. I've never been sure what he saw in me, or why he wanted to help me so much, but I'm so grateful for everything that he's done. Back then, though, I hated him. I hated that he forced me to go outside. I hated that he made me practice shooting arrows, because I hadn't done that since my sister died. And I hated that he made me use magic, because after what happened to Kikyo, I didn't want to be a priestess anymore. But after six months, I felt ready to try again. I stopped hiding inside, and I would go out for long periods of time. I stopped feeling sorry for myself because my sister was dead. And I decided that the best way to honor Kikyo would be to become a priestess myself. So here, I am, three years later. I'm still not quite ready to protect a village, but I'm on my way.

Well, I was on my way earlier today. Now I'm flopped in the grass on a riverbank, watching the clouds. I love to find shapes in the ones floating by. Over my head there's one that looks like a squirrel, and there's a flower shaped one off to my left. The grass under my back feels wonderfully soft, and with the sunlight shining on my face, it's a perfectly pleasant way to spend an afternoon. Forget about archery and magic and finding a place to stay. This is where I want to be right now, and for just an afternoon, maybe for just an hour or two, I am content. After my sister died, that's all that I ask for.


	3. Chapter 3

My heart is pounding as I aim my arrow straight at the demon's heart. Or do demons have hearts? It doesn't really matter; I just have to kill this one. It hisses at me, making horrible, gurgling sounds. This one is especially ugly, like a huge, floating worm. It's also especially large – I'm a little worried about how much effort it will take to slay it.

It's nighttime in the tiny village where I'm staying. I ended up here this morning, dead on my feet because I had been traveling for two weeks straight with no work in any of the villages I had passed through. My supplies had been running dangerously low, so I guess I should view this demon as a blessing. Looking at its disgusting face, however, it's a little difficult to think of it that way.

This village has recently been plagued by demons, or so I've heard. The villagers were almost hysterical this morning when they begged me to kill this particular one. Apparently the demons are after the sacred bowl of Saint Masanori, which the villagers keep locked up inside their shrine. It's a fairly large and impressive shrine for such a small village. It really is a shame that I've caused so much damage to it while trying to fight this demon.

It's nice that this demon can't talk. Some of the one's that I've fought have had pretty foul mouths. Its hissing is getting pretty annoying though, along with the fact that it now seems to be spitting at me. I get a face full of foul-smelling demon spit as I aim my arrow. Okay, that's going too far, worm demon. I let go of the arrow, and miss.

"Damn it!" I yell. The worm demon looks like it's grinning. Now furious, I pull out another arrow and aim at its neck. This one thankfully hits, but my pitiful sacred arrow isn't strong enough to do any real damage. Damn it all!

The demon is spitting again. Thankfully it doesn't seem to do anything el… Oh man. It floats higher off the ground, and then suddenly dives straight for my neck. For the next few minutes, it's all that I can do to fend it off, flailing around with my bow in an attempt to protect my face. That plan is not very effective. Soon my arms and face are covered with scratches from the demon's teeth (who knew that worms have teeth? Or at least worm demons). I'm now about angry enough to spit at the demon myself, but I suddenly think of my sister. Kikyo always kept calm, no matter what the situation. She never grew flustered, not even when she was fighting. The only thing is that she would never be losing so badly to a pathetic worm demon, so it really is a conundrum.

I take a deep breath. It is my duty as a priestess to protect this shrine and to protect these villagers from demons. Whoever this Saint Masanori was, I'm sure that his bowl is very important to this village. I must protect it. I must slay this demon.

With that though in my mind, I abruptly smack the demon on the head with my bow. While it's momentarily stunned, I pull out another arrow and nock it. I take a moment to gather my strength, picturing the faces of the village children that I saw earlier today. I also picture Master Hiroshi, and the long-dead saint whose possession I have sworn to protect. Lastly, I picture Kikyo standing with her bow. Strong and graceful, the thought of her gives me the strength I need to pour all of my power into this arrow. This shot is straight and true, and the arrow goes cleanly through the demon's neck. My sacred arrow purifies and kills the worm demon instantly.

Smiling, I wipe the sweat off my forehead. This shrine and its sacred contents are safe for now.

I say a silent prayer to Kikyo to thank her for giving me strength. I think that I'll head back to my own village soon. I've been gone for several months now, so it's been a while since I've visited her grave.

"Thank you, Kikyo," I whisper into the darkness. "I hope I made you proud tonight."


	4. Chapter 4

The ugliest demon I've ever seen is the one who's currently rooting through my supplies, which I have spread around my fire. It's also one of the largest one I've ever seen. As its horrible odor is blown my way by the breeze, I have to force myself to keep from gagging. Because if I make a sound, the demon will find me. Yes, Kaede, a priestess, is hiding from a demon. I didn't even have the decency to find a good hiding place: I'm simply crouched behind a boulder which happened to be nearby the place I was bedding down for the night. In my defense, the demon surprised me. I barely had time to leap behind the rock, let alone grab any of my few possessions.

This leaves me with a bit of a problem. I don't have my bow, because it's currently being stepped on by a demon that's at least twelve feet tall. If I try to run out and grab it, I'll probably be killed. And even if I could somehow get hold of my bow and arrows, my powers are nowhere near strong enough to kill a demon that size.

I close my eyes. Think, Kaede, think! But after several more minutes of listening to that huge lump of a demon cram my remaining food down his throat, I have to admit that there's nothing that I can do. This demon can do whatever he wants, and I'm powerless to stop him. As that realization hits me, I pull my legs closer into my chest, trying to become even tinier. I can't let the demon find me.

As I sit there, hiding, I pray. I pray to all the saints, and to every holy thing that I can think of. Please, don't let this demon find me. I can't let him kill me. And as I sit there, scared, cold, and alone, I pray to Kikyo. Please, sister.

Help me.


	5. Chapter 5

My breath catches in my chest as I climb the last few steps to the top of the hill overlooking my village. I'm panting from both the climb and the sheer exhaustion I feel. After that demon ate all of my remaining food and destroyed most of my supplies, I've been struggling to get through the last few days of my journey back home. I've barely slept since then, and I've been forced to eat mostly berries and plants that I've found along the trail. Thankfully though, my bow wasn't harmed by the demon. It's my most precious possession, so that's all that really counts.

Well, that's all that really counts to me right now. When I was scavenging for something, anything edible by the side of a dusty road, almost trembling with exhaustion and with no towns or other people for miles around, I was very loudly cursing the demon for eating my food. At that point yesterday, I would have traded any number of broken bows for just a bowl of rice. It didn't matter to me that my bow had belonged to my sister, Kikyo, and was one of the only things I have left of her, besides a house, a grave, and a whole bunch of painful memories.

Sometimes when I hold that bow, I can almost feel her standing there with me. And every so often, when I take a shot that is indescribably perfect, I can feel her aiming the arrow along with me. When the shot hits, I can feel her smile steal over my face.

But that's enough talk of ghosts. It's a beautiful day, my training journey is over, and I'm home.

My exhaustion momentarily forgotten, I race down the hill, almost laughing with glee as I run towards my village. A huge, ridiculous smile is stretched across my face. Right before I reach the outskirts of town, however, I slow down, take inventory of my remaining possessions, straighten my clothing, and walk calmly into the center of town.

Many of the villagers give me warm smiles as I pass by.

"Welcome back, Lady Kaede!" one calls.

"Priestess! You've been gone for too long!" another one yells.

I return their greetings, asking questions about crops and marriages and children. It's wonderful to see the familiar faces of the villagers, but there's really only one person that I desperately want to see. As I work my way to the shrine, the smile on my face grows even wider. Just as I reach the courtyard, the door opens and out steps Master Hiroshi. He looks at me for a moment before smiling warmly.

"Welcome home, Kaede," he says.

I bow. "I'm glad to be back, Master."

Later that night, after dinner with some of Master Hiroshi's closest village friends, he and I walk back to the shrine together. We're laughing and joking with each other, and he's teasing me about coming back with no supplies left.

"I sent you away with a full pack of supplies, and you come back without even the pack, much less the supplies!" he teasingly scolds me.

I put up my hands. "I'm sorry Master, but a demon attacked me! Would you rather that I have gotten away with my tools or my life?" I say in a fake exasperated tone.

He suddenly becomes thoughtful. "How large was this demon, did you say?"

As I've recounted the story over the course of the evening (with minor edits to the parts that included me hiding – no use in the villagers thinking that their priestess is a coward), the demon has grown increasingly larger. It's gone from twelve feet, to twenty, to about thirty, to at least fifty feet. However, now I answer him truthfully: "About twelve feet tall, sir."

"Hmm," he stops in the road. "I've been hearing reports of larger demons around these parts. Maybe it's some sort of trend?" We resume walking. "Whatever it is, you should be more careful out there. No telling when you may run into one of those things again."

I nod. "Okay. I'll be on my guard the next time I go out."

He smiles again. "You'd better be on your guard. Or else you might start having supplies stolen from you by tiny little fox demons."

I scowl at him. "It was a pretty big demon!" He laughs, and we walk the rest of the way in a companionable sort of silence.

It's been a while since I've felt at ease like this around another person. Ever since Kikyo died, I've never been able to have a bond with anyone as strong as my bond with her. She and Master Hiroshi are the wisest, kindest, most wonderful people that I've ever met, so it makes sense that he would be the one to replace her.

Wait a minute? _Replace_ her? Did I really just think that? No. No one could ever replace Kikyo in my heart. My sister will always be the one that I care for most.

As we walk along, I steal a glance at Master Hiroshi out of the corner of my eye. From what I've been able to glean, he's in his late thirties, maybe almost forty. He was married once, long ago, and he had a daughter. His wife and daughter were both killed in a war that completely destroyed his village. After that, he decided to become a priest, and eventually a wandering one. He's a lot like me, motivated to priesthood after the death of the person that he cared about most.

All this I learned one night when he had drunk a little too much sake. Other than that, Master Hiroshi is a very private person. I don't know very much about him other than those few facts. However, I think I might understand part of the reason that he wanted to help me so much. The morning after the night that he a little drunk and loose-lipped, he apologized to me for causing a mess, and he also told me that I reminded him of his daughter. I think she died when she was only a little younger than I was when Kikyo died. When Master Hiroshi came to my village a year and a half after I lost my sister, he found a broken young girl who reminded him of both his daughter and himself. If you look at it that way, it makes sense why he would stay in a secluded village to look after a stubborn, one-eyed child.

Whatever the reason is, I'm just grateful that he stayed and helped me to become a priestess.

I've never told him about Kikyo. I'm sure that some of the more gossipy village women have told him the story countless times, but I don't really mind. I think he understands me just as much as I understand him. We both have been hurt, and we're both not healed. But maybe, with each other's help, we can get closer to being whole again.

Kikyo. Just saying her name still hurts. Even after five long, heart-breaking years, the mere thought of her can bring me close to tears. My beloved sister, Kikyo. Why did she have to leave me?


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Wow, it's been a long time since I've written anything! Well, here's a new chapter, and hopefully I will get back to updating on a more regular basis... Now, what I really wanted to say is that I used my artistic license to separate the Tree of Ages and the tree where Kikyo practiced shooting. It's been a while since I watched that episode, so I can't remember if they're actually the same tree, but for the purposes of this story they are in different places. Enjoy!_

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><p>The sun is barely up when I wake the next morning. I wish I could linger inside my house (how wonderful it is to have my own roof over my head again!), but there are many things to do around the shrine. I want to give everything a thorough cleaning, and I also want to walk around the village and to the farms, just to see what has changed in the months I have been away. I should also pay some visits to a few of the villagers. I would love to see one's new baby, and I'm sure the oldest lady in the village would enjoy a visit, as it's difficult for her to leave her house.<p>

I breathe in the fresh air outside, and reflect on how much cleaning there is to be done. Master Hiroshi hasn't exactly been keeping things spotless while I've been gone, and all the rooms could do with a good airing out.

Lastly, I want to pay a visit to Kikyo's grave. While her ashes are kept at the shrine, I never like to mourn her there. It's too public, and my sister deserves a quieter place, where she can truly rest in peace. So after her death, I picked a secluded spot in the forest where I could go to pay my respects. I ended up with the tree where I would always practice my shooting. There, I buried a box filled with things from Kikyo's life: her arrows, a lock of her hair, the herbs that she had been using to treat my eye. After much deliberation, I added in a scrap of Inuyasha's clothing that was torn off while he fleeing the shrine. Finally, I put in a picture of the Sacred Jewel. I had drawn this picture for her about a year before, right after she was granted the important job of looking after it. I was intrigued by the large and beautiful jewel, and after I drew my picture I very shyly gave it to her as a sign of my respect for her powers. I'm surprised that she kept it, because it's not very well-drawn. But after her death, I thought of the Sacred Jewel as one of the things that defined her life, so I put it in the box.

I buried the box all alone, and onto the tree I carved a very simple drawing of an arrow. And that is what I consider to be Kikyo's grave. The ashes in the shrine aren't my sister anymore. The place where my sister truly is is where I remember her.

The morning slips away in a whirlwind of cleaning. While I dislike the act of cleaning, it's infinitely less frustrating than practicing my powers as a priestess, so it's comparatively not too bad. Scrubbing a couple of floors is nothing compared to almost starving to death while fighting off demons in the middle of a forest. If I were a normal sort of girl, just about to the age where one could get married, I would actually make a decent wife. Not like Kikyo would have. I allow myself to laugh a little at how anti-men she was. My sister always used to say that she would never fall in love. She was always such an independent person – I admire her so much for it. But sometimes I wonder if it was all just an act put on for her little sister. There was that one time that I found her trying on makeup… I hope to God that wasn't for Inuyasha.

Inuyasha. That name still disgusts me. He's the reason that my sister had to die. Him and that bastard Onigumo and that damn Sacred Jewel.

The afternoon visits go smoothly, thank God. Many of the villagers still treat me like I'm a little off – maybe they're remembering those eighteen months when I refused to go outside – but they all respect me for being a priestess. They all loved Kikyo so much, and I hope that they see a little of her in me. I'd like to think that at least some parts of me are similar to her. But maybe I'm flattering myself. It's useless to compare me and Kikyo – she would just seem more wonderful than before when shown against a short, clumsy, and weak fifteen year old girl.

It is these rather depressing thoughts that fill my head as I head out of the village towards Kikyo's gravesite. By now it's late afternoon, and the sun appears to be trying to compensate for its coming absence by flooding the forest with light. That just makes all the shadows stand out more clearly, though. And when I come to the fork in the path that signals how close I am to the grave, a shadow seems to block my way. The forest path splits to either side of a large oak tree, and from there each smaller path continues on its separate way. One leads to the clearing with the tree where I used to practice my shooting. The other leads to another tree, which is probably much older. The Tree of Ages, where Inuyasha is sealed. My sister told me once that this tree has the ability to transcend time.

Once, a few weeks after Kikyo died, I tried to use this power. I snuck out to the tree at night, carefully avoiding the side where Inuyasha was pinned. There, I pleaded with the tree. I begged it to take me back to a time where Kikyo was alive.

It didn't work. Of course it didn't. There is no amount of magical power great enough to reverse time. But after that, I kept away from that tree. I didn't want to be reminded of the painful events that occurred there.

But now, as I'm standing there feeling the sunshine on my back, staring at the shadow that obscures the oak tree which blocks my way, I realize that there's something that I have to do. Before I go and visit Kikyo, I have to visit the tree. I have to try to make peace with it, and to make peace with Inuyasha.

_At least that bastard can never hurt me again. _

But even as I think that, I know that I can't go and pray at Kikyo's grave with all of this hatred inside of me. It's been five years. I need to try and come to terms with it.

I need to go back to the Tree of Ages.

It looks exactly like I remember it. It's a little funny how some things never change; trees stand tall, grow leaves and lose them, year after year after year. It's only people who change. But that's a stupid thought. Trees can change too: one lightning bolt, one huntsman in need of firewood, and it's all over. The thought that even the Tree of Ages can be killed is strangely comforting to me. This stupid tree isn't invincible.

But I really should stop feeling so bitter about a tree. As I approach it, slowly, like how you would approach a wild animal, I try and reason with myself. There's nothing wrong with a stupid tree, even a supposedly magical one. Just because it can't transcend time doesn't mean that I should blame it for Kikyo's death.

And as I think that, I realize it's Inuyasha that I hate. I hate this tree because of what it holds onto, what it shelters. All these years I have avoided the Tree of Ages because it has Inuyasha pinned to it. But Inuyasha is dead, or as good as dead. Just like my sister, he is never going to wake up. There is no point in hating a dead man (or demon). But I still do.

So all these years, I really have been hating this tree for nothing. But as I look at its enormous trunk and fresh green leaves, I find that I still resent it. How can it still spout leaves every year, how can it still be alive when my sister is dead? This tree, completely inoffensive except for what is sealed to its bark, is still hateful to me. Maybe I just hate everything that is living since my sister is dead. Especially myself.

I go to the Tree of Ages because I want to make peace with the past. I walk away still hating it.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry this is so late, but I was on vacation. I'm also sorry for the extremely short chapter, but I promise that the next one will be long. To top it off, things will actually start _happening _in the next chapter! Shocking, I know... _

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><p>Kikyo's grave looks how I remember it as well. This tree isn't frightening to me: its yearly cycle of life is comforting. My sister is 'buried' here, and yet it is still is alive.<p>

So I don't hate everything living, at least. I guess that realization should be comforting enough. It's not like I have anything else to hold onto, standing here and staring at the place where my sister's life is buried. So life goes on, even when the things that make it worth living are gone.

God, it's been five years. I need to find something else in my life to hang on to. I cannot go on living solely on the memory of my dead sister. I need something else worth living for. The thought makes me smile bitterly. Basically, I need a life. How ironic.

The tree before me is pocked with arrow marks from my first clumsy days of shooting. I don't practice here anymore, because I don't want to shoot arrows at a gravesite. Even if my sister's grave could give me strength, I wouldn't feel right.

I need to go back to the village. The sun is setting, and I don't want to be out too late. Demons that roam the woods seem much more frightening at night. Oh, look at that. A priestess who admits to being scared of demons. God, how funny.

I shouldn't feel bitter like this when I'm trying to pay my respects to my sister. I can't help it. If I don't feel angry, I'll feel sad, and I can't handle all that sadness. I've never been able to handle it. The crushing sorrow that accompanies death drove me into a corner of my house and kept me there for a year and a half. There's no guarantee that someday I won't become like that again, hiding from the world and crying underneath a blanket.

So I need to stay angry. Maybe that's the thing that will keep me going. I need to stay bitter about Kikyo's death, because otherwise I won't be able to go on living. Without all this anger filling me up, I'd waste away.

As I head back to the village, feet following a well-worn path, I admit to myself that this visit, meant to bring peace to both myself and my sister's spirit, has only served to further anger me. I'm as bitter as ever, even though I'm ashamed of desecrating my sister's grave with anger. The loneliness, bitterness, pent-up sadness never gets any better no matter how many years go by.

Before I go through the door to my house, I tell myself again that I need to find something to hold onto in life.


End file.
